Ducky’s Dialing Disaster!
An affectionate homage to classic cartoons, starring Ducky Drake and Benny Hare.
NOTE:
And now for something completely different! There’s an old saw about writers writing about what they know. And I finally found something to do with years of call center experience, as well as a deep love of vintage animation—a fantasy cartoon script!
Please note that any resemblance to certain characters is merely coincidental.
Title: Ducky’s Dialing Disaster
Starring: Ducky Drake, Benny Hare, and Eldon Fludd
Produced by: A Whoopee Cushion Comedy™ Production – In Acme™Color and EjectoSound!
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
MUSIC CUE: The bombastic, brassy Whoopee Cushion Comedy™ Theme blares in full cartoon orchestration, heavy on the trumpets and slide whistles.
VISUAL: A spinning red-and-yellow bullseye zooms toward the audience, stopping just in time to reveal the logo:
🛎️ A WHOOPEE CUSHION COMEDY™ PRODUCTION 🛎️
💥 IN ACMECOLOR AND EJECTOSOUND! 💥
The bullseye irises out, revealing BENNY HARE, front and center. He leans casually on the logo, crunching a carrot.
BENNY HARE:
(grinning at the audience)
“Ehh… ya clicked on it, so don’t blame me.”
As Benny winks, DUCKY DRAKE suddenly barges in from the side, waving his arms frantically.
DUCKY DRAKE:
(panicked, out of breath)
“WAIT! Hold up! We forgot to test the equipment—”
BENNY HARE: (calmly pulls a massive lever labeled “START SHOW”)
(to the audience, smirking) “Oops.”
SFX: KLAXON BLARES.
The bullseye logo EXPLODES into confetti, launching Ducky sky-high.
BENNY HARE: (watching Ducky soar away, shaking his head)
“Eh… he’s been real stressed about this one.”
[FADE TO BLACK, THEN FADE INTO: INT. ACME™ PHONE SURVEY COMPANY – DAY]
[MAIN SCENE]
MUSIC CUE: Raymond Scott’s "Powerhouse" (Frantic Section) kicks in—rapid-fire brass stabs, relentless xylophone, and churning percussion drive the scene forward in full cartoonish chaos.
[INT. THE ACME™ PHONE SURVEY COMPANY OF WALLA WALLA, WASHINGTON – DAY]
We open on a vast, noisy call center. Cubicles stretch for miles. A giant banner reads:
💬 "Connecting Walla Walla, One Call at a Time!"
DUCKY DRAKE, dressed in a too-tight clip-on tie, sits in a messy cubicle, headset on, piles of papers everywhere. He’s gripping the phone with white-knuckled frustration.
MUSIC CUE: Raymond Scott’s "Powerhouse" (Frantic Section) revs up—whirling, high-speed orchestrations underscore the madness.
DUCKY:
(into headset, strained politeness)
“Hello? YES, this is Ducky Drake from the Acme™ Phone Survey Company of Walla Walla, Washington. I just need five minutes of your time—” (listens, eyes widen) “—I am NOT a robot!”
SFX: BLAM! The phone detonates like an Acme™ firecracker, sending a mushroom cloud of soot into the air.
DUCKY sits charred and motionless, eyes half-lidded.
MUSIC STINGER: A single trombone wah-wah.
DUCKY: (deadpan, plucks a burnt feather, flicks it away)
“Well… that’s coming outta my paycheck.”
(Beat. The headset short-circuits, delivering a shock—ZAP! DUCKY twitches violently. His bill spins backward, then snaps forward.)
DUCKY: (wobbly, dazed)
“Customer service… is… painless.”
[CUT TO: CUBICLE NEXT DOOR]
BENNY HARE lounges in a rolling chair, munching a carrot, not even wearing a headset.
SFX: CRUNCH! (He takes a slow, loud bite of the carrot.)
BENNY: (smirking, mouth half-full)
“Hey, Ducky, ya ever think maybe screaming at the customers ain’t the best approach?”
[BACK TO DUCKY’S CUBICLE]
DUCKY spins around so fast, his chair spins like a tornado before stopping on a dime. Papers scatter everywhere.
SFX: SPINNING WOOSH, followed by a sudden BRAKE SQUEAK!
DUCKY: (furious, waving papers in the air)
“Ohhh, ho-ho-ho, VERY funny, Mr. Smarty-Pants! This is serious business! Quotas! Performance reviews! I’m one bad call away from getting launched outta here—literally! It’s in the contract!”
[CUT TO: UNDER DUCKY’S CHAIR – ELVES IN HARDHATS]
A crew of tiny ELVES in construction gear is hard at work installing a massive, flashing ACME™-BRAND EJECTOR SEAT.
SFX: POWER TOOLS WHIR—DRILLS BUZZ, METAL CLANKS, WELDING SPARKS FLY!
ELF #1: (gruff, wiping his brow)
“Y’know, Bob, this one’s rated for deep space.”
ELF #2: (chuckling, tightening a bolt)
“Yeah… let’s double-check the landing zone this time.”
(They look at a crumpled blueprint, which clearly shows Ducky landing in a cactus patch.) They shrug and keep working.
[THE ELDON FLUDD PHONE CALL]
SFX: RIIINNNG!
DUCKY: (fake polite, forcing a smile)
“Hello! Would you like to participate in a short survey?”
VOICE ON PHONE (ELDON FLUDD): (low mutter, serious tone)
“I’m hunting wabbits. Call back later.”
SFX: DUN DUN DUNNNN! (dramatic sting as Ducky's pupils shrink to dots.)
DUCKY: (trembling, fists clenching, eye twitching at Mach 10)
“Oh, for the love of—IT’S A FIVE-MINUTE SURVEY, YA BALD-HEADED BUNNY CHASER!!!”
(His screech shakes the entire call center—lights flicker, cubicles collapse like dominoes in the background!)
[KLAXON BLARES – THE EJECTOR SEAT ACTIVATES]
🚀 DUCKY IS LAUNCHED THROUGH THE ROOF! 🚀
[DUCKY IN MID-AIR]
DUCKY (V.O.): (shrieking as he disappears into the sky, Doppler effect kicking in)
“YOU’RE DESPICABLEEEEEEE!!!”
[BACK TO BENNY’S CUBICLE]
BENNY: (to the audience, shrugging)
“Eh… he shoulda transferred that call.”
[FADE OUT—BUT NOT QUITE!]
VISUAL: A bright red-and-yellow bullseye irises in, revealing DUCKY DRAKE—charred, dazed, and still smoking from re-entry.
DUCKY DRAKE: (dizzy, swaying)
“Th-the-th-the—THAT’S ALL, FOLKS—for customer service complaints, please press five… five… fivvvveee…” (slumps forward, unconscious.)
BENNY HARE: (smirking, presses a giant ACME™ “END SHOW” button.)
[IRIS OUT.]
💥 THE END. 💥
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Poor Ducky! He still can’t catch a break!